It was easier to sit back and allow the world to label me as they so choose; easier to play the victim, to wait for life to happen, for the universe or cosmos to favour me and for someone to save me. It was easier to allow my value to be determined by men and women who know nothing of my struggles, who know nothing of the places I’ve been, the things I’ve witnessed and the dreams I have.
It was easier to remain palatable, to be a comfortable shade of black or a pleasant personality where I remained an asexual, racially and culturally ambiguous, omnipresent observer to the thrills of another’s success, another’s life.
It was easier to not make a noise and not be seen, when all I wanted was to be seen.
Turns out I was never designed for easy.
I was never meant to sit back and allow others to dictate the trajectory of my life, to speak on the value of my existence or contributions for their benefit.
I was never meant to remain complacent, to not experience life, to not reach for the stars, to not be loud and obnoxious and present.
I was meant to make a splash, to be seen and heard and revered and desired and put first, all while I celebrated the blackness that so clearly defines a very large part of me.
I cannot wait, I will not wait; I am more than enough, more than capable, more than incredible and more than any one person can handle.
I have fielded worse rejections and will celebrate greater acceptances than you will ever know.
I am dramatic, eccentric, mysterious, a gladiator; not just a gladiator, but I own the whole damn arena.
I’m not the entertainment; I’m here to show you how it’s done.
A.C. Shabangu 