You’re never alone

“Everyday’s a new fantasy; how will i kill myself today? How can i make it easier, less painful, less embarrassing, less humiliating, less inhumane?”

“Everyday’s the same bull; laughing at the same jokes, wanting to laugh at the same jokes at least, looking in the same mirror and seeing the same face, wanting to cry but not wanting to give up so early in the morning, so you close yourself off and you pretend to make it work.”

“You do a lot of pretending, i find.”

“Getting out of bed is a blessing, the stars aligned in a galaxy far away and the promise of mediocrity lulls you into a decent enough, placate state of being where you have just enough strength to pull the covers back and to take that dreaded step out of bed.”

“It doesn’t even feel like you’ve won something once you’ve managed to walk that long, short, distance to the bathroom. It just feels like you’ve walked right into a trap; where everything and everyone is against you. It feels like you’ve chosen to lose, because at the end of the day, you would have lost at something. It could be you trying to smile that day, maybe trying to speak up, maybe trying to not think of the worst case scenario or maybe…point is, you would have lost. That’s worse, that’s when you know you should have stayed in bed”

“Nobody’s here. Nobody sees or hears the things you need them to see or hear. Nobody’s here”

“You can’t tell anyone though”

“Why would they believe you? I mean what’s there to believe; that you’re sad? Everyone gets sad from time to time, haven’t you heard? You’re not special, your illness isn’t special. Your “Illness” isn’t even an illness; it’s just you needing to get over whatever has you down and move forward. Grow some…you know”

“So i just say nothing, like i’ve been saying nothing for the past five years.”

“They wouldn’t understand, they haven’t understood. The signs are all there, they’ve always been there and they know it. They just won’t bother trying to see them or even acknowledge them”

“I’ve become so good at being fine that sometimes i even believe myself. I manage a laugh or two on those days, but then i remember, and then it hurts again, then i’m empty again”

“I don’t know how i do it? I don’t drink, i don’t smoke, i’m not into drugs, i’m not violent…maybe that’s why “i’m not depressed”. Maybe if i acted out a little more, they’d finally understand that i have a problem, i have a very big problem”

“I’m just tired”

“I’m always tired”

“I wonder how tomorrow will be”

For support:

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I would love to like you

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I’ve been toying with this thought for some time now; is it possible to love someone and not like them?

I happen to think that it’s possible; I currently find myself in a similar situation.

Okay, so maybe my opinion isn’t completely without bias, but it’s not entirely ludicrous either.

On the one hand, someone could disagree with me and i’d be fine with that. My mind immediately goes to thoughts of how one defines “love” and “like”.

Love, as defined by Google (LOL), is an intense feeling of deep affection. It’s a person or thing that one loves and when one feels a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone). So love, essentially, is deep in nature. Love is transcendent and love is a completely different level of affection, a deeper one.

Then we come to “like”. Like, as defined by Google as well, is when you find something or someone agreeable, enjoyable or satisfactory. The things one likes or prefers. So, and i could be wrong here, to like something is to generally find it appealing and to find it pleasing in some way.

When you measure the two up against each other, it would be easy to say that, and don’t quote me on this one, like comes before love. I would actually have to agree there.

So when sticking to that principle and that principle alone, you would have to like someone before you love them and thus if you don’t like them you couldn’t love them. “like” would be the gate keeper of emotions, it would be the first stage one would have to go through before they find the big man, the big boss, the final level, the piece de resistance; love. So to say that you can love someone and not like them would be chronologically impossible if you’re going by the meanings of these words.

I’ve always thought that abiding by the legality of language and life is a dangerous thing to do; it’s such a narrow minded place to be in.

On the other hand, i’d actually like to think that in some instances you can love someone and not like them at all. It’s fully possible when you’re programmed to love someone; when it’s in your DNA and it’s engineered into your psyche and existence to love this person, but because of the way they are and because of the type of people they are, you don’t like them at all.

That’s alright.

We guilt ourselves into believing that going against the grain is wrong, but sometimes going against the grain can actually free you. Call it being fickle, call it going against nature’s way, but in my opinion if they don’t sit right with your spirit and they have ill-intentions with regards to your well-being, you can’t like someone like that.

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You can’t stop loving them; call it being stockholmed because of having grown up with them, but liking them is your choice and you can choose to not like them.

That’s another thing; you can’t choose who you love and what the heart wants. You can however choose who you like and who you associate with, and I think that I can manipulate the little authority I have over my life to choose who I like and who I surround myself with.

Family isn’t the exception; they’re often the culprits. They can’t catch free rides and not expect to give anything in return. Family is so much more than blood and a title, family is how you treat each other, it’s being there for each other and it’s respecting one another and if you’re not getting that from them, then you can love them but you have no obligation to stick around and like them.

Your sanity matters enough for you to choose your own happiness. It’s alright.

So yeah, it’s all up to how you see the world I suppose. You can either believe that liking someone and loving someone go hand in hand; that liking someone is the first step and that’s logical and very right. Or you could believe that love is blind but liking someone is sight beyond vision.

In accounting we have this principle, “substance over form”; where the perceived state of things transcends the legal state of things, in short. Maybe that’s a principle worth adopting in matters of the heart and life.

I would live in the wind

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I would live in the wind.

If I could, I would dance among the love songs that twist languorously in the breezy spring air. I’d inhale the soft lullabies of love and drink in the sweet caresses of affection that ripple through the ether.

If I could, I would catch the unheard “I love you”, the swept away “hold me” and deliver them back along the slipstream of summery scents that mingle in the atmosphere.

If I could, I would chase away the screams, burn away the cries and exorcise the vile, vindictive whispers of war that stain the zephyr, that live in the chill of winter.

I would travel over the earth’s integument, riding on the tides of nature’s breath while I lived amongst stolen tales, borrowed breaths and unheard thoughts.

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My limbs would inhabit the unseen plane, the forgotten element and I would be free. My shackles would wither away and my bones would take to the sky. My ears would be trained to the sun and my skin would drink in the scorching, warm glory of content.

If I could live in the wind, I would witness the unspoken atrocities that go unseen, I would dodge bombs, missiles, daggers and bullets trained on the homes of brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers.

If I could, I too would remain unseen. I too would choose to not be heard unless I howl in anguish at the pain neighbours cause one another. I too would anonymously whisper sweet nothings to shy lovers and I too would sweep nations when rebuilding is the only way forward, the only way towards freedom.

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If I could, I would catch prayers and blow them to the heavens myself. I would roar while dreams shatter and I too would slink deep into the night, keeping a watchful eye over a momentarily peaceful world.

If I could live in the wind, I would be happy.

We chose these wounds

We chose these wounds

These ruptures on the surface, these scars and battle tales were delivered on our command. We accepted these gnawing ails and aches and pains.

If anything, we should feel blessed and grateful that we had the power, that we have this kind of power. A power we inherited through bloodshed and the loss of innocence. This is a victory etched in the breath of history, a prize to be revered and cherished because we now have a choice.

We can choose our battles, we can say no and so we have to be proud of these rips, cuts, bruises, tears and wounds.
These are the manifestations of our greatest victories, one of.
These are the welts of our birthright, fought for and conquered.

We have to be grateful for these scars.

We chose these wounds.

Motivation

Just a bit of motivation for those of us who feel like we might need it.

I understand; sometimes you don’t feel like hearing pretty words that only skim over the surface or don’t really do much for you and what you’re going through.

Sometimes you want to feel like you’re the only one in the world who understands what you’re going through.

You want the world to stop spinning, you want the streets to remain bare and you want to stay in your little corner and not speak, not breathe or exist because you want it to hurt.

At least if it hurts, somewhere, you can point to something and not feel crazy for wanting to be miserable while you don’t want to be at the same time.

I get it.

You want to stay angry, to stay hurt so that the people that hurt you can see what they’ve done, how they’ve broken you and you want them to feel bad, because they deserve to.

You want all of that and yet you want it all to stop; you honestly still want to laugh and be fine and not lie about being okay.

You want to be okay.

It’s confusing, it’s frustrating and it’s consuming, but it doesn’t have to be.

Just, let it go.

If it’s a person, if they’re the source of your pain and heartache, just…let it go.

What good is it to hurt yourself?

How smart is it to ruin your happiness and to deny yourself of the many blessings that are just lining up for you?

I mean, i know you’re angry, you’re hurt, you’re demotivated and by God you have every right to be, but don’t allow anything to take away your smile.

You deserve happiness, you deserve love and light and love and you can get that, if you just let it go and allow the universe or whichever deity you subscribe to, to take care of it.

I’m no Guru, neither am i an expert, but i go through so much on a daily basis.

We all have so much to deal with and we allow ourselves to be overwhelmed by it all when all we can and should do, is let it go.

It’s that simple. But it’s THAT hard too.