It’s like being born with a ticking time bomb. The second you realise what you have, who you are, the ticking grows louder and draws the eyes and questions of the many people that surround you. Like the day you come to terms with it; when you stop praying for it to go away and you realise that you had no choice in the matter, everything around you will evaporate.
The expected explosion will swallow up all that you’ve ever known. All that you’ve ever had and the kind of existence and love that you experienced before will be forever lost.
It’s like living with a secret jury. A chastising body of familiar faces in your head, constantly judging you; walk taller, speak deeper, smile less, laugh softer and say less.
It’s like you’re destined to be hated; to be judged, ridiculed, downgraded and unloved.
It’s like you can smell the freedom, but you’re not allowed to taste it, to feel it or know it. They know, they’ve always known and they’ve been waiting for you to realise it before they could hate you, publically, officially.
It feels like you were hand picked and crafted by God himself to be a pariah in the very church, mosque or temple you grew up in. You were loved for all those years by all those people until they chose to love you no more.
They were/are the ones that chose, but you didn’t; you had no choice. So you sit there, alone with your freedom and your truth, shunned and chosen as a religious sacrifice to please a God they wrong on a daily basis so they could feel right about their spirituality.
So it was never you; you never chose to be anything, they did. It was, and always will be, their problem.
So what i’m saying is that it’s like understanding what your limbs were designed for. Your awkward twitches, glides and falls will finally be smoothened out and you’ll finally wash the stains of uncertainty from your face.
You’ll finally find strength in your “watered” but perfectly genuine, powerful and existing masculinity. It’ll be like walking on air when the sun is out and you’re glistening with valour and you’re open to the world. You’ll be raw, real and untainted.
You’ll be judged, but you’ll be stronger for it and you’ll be free.
What i’m saying is, you’ll be free.